Wednesday [Season 1, Episode 1]

Tyler Galpin: Holy crap! Do you make a habit of scaring the hell out of people?

Wednesday Addams: It's more of a hobby.

The only person who gets to torture my brother is me.

— Rumor's been swirling around that you killed a kid at your old school, and your parents pulled strings to get you off.
— Actually, it was two kids, but who's counting?

Wednesday: Your followers are clearly imbeciles. They respond to your stories with insipid little pictures.

Enid: Uh, you mean, emojis? It's how people express their feelings. I realize that's a foreign concept to you.

Wednesday: When I look at you, the following emojis come to mind. Rope, shovel, hole.

You know the old saying, never bring a knife to a sword fight. Unless it's concealed.

— So where'd you learn those kung fu moves?
— My uncle taught me. He spent five years in a Tibetan Monastery.
— Was he a monk?
— Prisoner.

— I'm told girls your age say hurtful things, and I shouldn't take it to heart.
— Fortunately, you don't have one.
— Finally, a kind word for your mother.

— I trust Enid has given you the old Nevermore welcome. She's been smothering me with hospitality.
— I hope to return the favor. In her sleep.

— I read the notes from your school counselor. Mrs. Bronstein.
— She had a nervous breakdown after our last session and had to take a six-month sabbatical.
— How did you feel about that?
— Vindicated. But someone who crochets for a hobby isn't a worthy adversary.

— Why are you dressed like religious fanatics?
— We're pilgrims.
— Potato, po-tah-to.