Two and a Half Men [Season 8, Episode 12]

— So, what happened?... She's so hot.
— ... For everyone gorgeous woman in the world, there's a guy out there who's tired of banging her.

— Let me ask you something. What do you think being truly intimate with a woman is?
— Not using a condom?

You're a saint for having sex with my brother. No, really... It's like taking a bird with a busted wing and putting him in a shoebox and feeding him with an eyedropper. You know he's never gonna fly, but you give it your best shot. Alan's the bird.