Two and a Half Men Quotes

Year:

2003 – 2015

Tagline:

«Charlie Lives! (syndication)»

A hedonistic jingle writer's free-wheeling life comes to an abrupt halt when his brother and 10-year-old nephew move into his beach-front house.

Country:

USA

Genres:

Comedy, Melodrama

Two and a Half Men Quotes by Category

— I tried with that kid, Alan. He says one thing, and then he goes and does another.
— He's 10. He's got the attention span of a hummingbird.
— What am I supposed to do when he ignores me?
— You punish him. You take away his computer, his TV, his toys.
— You already took away all the good stuff. What am I supposed to take away? His bronchial inhaler?

— Remember, you're being punished. So, no TV, no computer, no GameBoy. Charlie, I need you to be my eyes and ears.
— Okay, but you have to be my liver and prostate.

Alan to Jake and Charlie

— I have to bring the garbage cans back in.
— Today wasn't garbage day.
— No, not here. At Judith's.
— At Judith's? Alan, your wife throw you out.
— Yeah, that doesn't mean she doesn't need me.
— Yeah, it kind of does.
— Look, we're still married, it's still my house, and she still counts on me to do a few chores. It's good. It leaves the door open for, you know, reconciliation.
— I see. So, how do you lift those garbage cans without a spine?

Judith is Alan's ex-wife

— Alan, you've been making the same mistake your whole life. Being the good boy, fixing everything so everybody would love you. It didn't work with Mom. It didn't work with either of the women you went out with. And it's not gonna work with your wife.
— Charlie, you know nothing about commitment and responsibility to a relationship.
— Granted. But I do know when a woman's using me. And by that I mean not in a fun way.

Two and a Half Men [Season 1, Episode 2]

Two and a Half Men Quotes by Category

Two and a Half Men Quotes by Category

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