— She's a human.
— And I'm not. So I don't care.

— And next thing I know, I can't get into my house because my foot won't go through the door.
— You have to be invited in.
— I know. I live alone.
— Oh, that sucks.

— I know you.
— Well, that's unfortunate.

— Thank you.
— For what?
— For being such a monumental disappointment.

Doesn't it always come down to the love of a woman?

Trust breeds trust. You have to give it to get it.

You know, I really like this whole menage-a-threesome team thing. It's got a bit of a kink to it.

If you wanna be with someone forever, you have to live forever.

Here's to the man that broke my heart, crushed my soul, destroyed my life and ruined any and all chances of happiness.

— What's so special about this Bella girl? Edward's so whipped.
— You gotta read the first book first. It won't make sense if you don't.
— I miss Anne Rice. She was so on it.
— How come you don't sparkle?
— Because I live in the real world where vampires burn in the sun.

I don't have any reasons that are gonna comfort you. I don't have any explanations that are gonna satisfy you.

If she would try to try, that would be okay.

— Thank you.
— No, Stefan, thank you. You're back on Bambi blood, and I'm the big badass brother again. All is right in the world.

Does this sketchy feeling ever go away? It's like I have a massive hangover. This daylight thing is a bitch!

When someone asks, "How are you?" they really don't want an answer.

— I could rip your heart out and not think twice about it.
— Yeah. I've heard that before.