She's probably feeling awful so say something reassuring. You're going to hell.

— I can't stop obsessing about this date. What do you think I should do?
— You should go ahead and thank your lucky stars you finally found a gal who's into same-sex relationships.

Over 50 per cent of our lawsuits can be traced back to poor patient-doctor communication. To that end, if any of you still feel the need to flap your babble holes, you will be joining me in my new daily seminar on doctor-patient relations. My first invitee will be Dr Murphy, whom I overheard telling someone, «Stop bleeding, oh, God, please stop bleeding».

Mistake or not, one cool thing about sex is it always puts you in a good mood.

— Son, have you used drugs in the last 48 hours?
— Oh, no, sir. Never use drugs.
— Because this shot you're about to get could kill you — if mixed with narcotics.
— Oh, drugs. Yes, sir, all the time.

Now, you went to four years of college and four years of medical school, so I can safely presume that you are at least eight.

Cos even if it breaks your heart to be just friends, if you really care about someone, you'll take the hit.

Sometimes just making a decision is half the battle.

— You do those things, and when you're done, I'll think about telling you the sex.
— Seems you went to a swap meet and got yourself a big-boy spine.

Maybe it's because telling the truth would make 'em feel too vulnerable.

— I don't use toilet paper. I have one of those French things that shoots water up your butt.
— Bidet?
— Bidet to you, sir.

— Hey, Ace, your TTP patient coded. I pronounced him.
— He died?
— I certainly hope so. Otherwise that autopsy's going to be a bitch.

— Why are you being so weird?
— Well, of course, that could be because he's shaving his dome so much lately that the hair's starting to grow inward.

— And this abomination is the reason we can't afford a new computer?
— Well, that... and the medical boondoggle I have to go to in Cleveland. And by medical boondoggle, I mean golf weekend, and by Cleveland, I mean Hawaii. <...> Anyway, I have to go catch my bus to the airport. And by bus, I mean helicopter.