Youth

Lena: The French have emailed me every single day. They insist that you write your memoires. What should I do?

Fred: Let them insist.

— He didn't tell me a thing.
— Gosh, you guys have got a strange friendship.
— Strange? No, it's not strange. It's a good friendship. And in a good friendships you only tell each other the good things.

Lena Ballinger: And what does she do?

Fred Ballinger: The most obscene job in the world.

Lena Ballinger: She is a prostitute?

Lena Ballinger: Worse. She is a pop star.

Parents know when their children are pretending to be asleep.

— Did you take a piss today?
— Twice. Four drops. You?
— Same. More or less.
— More? Or less?
— Less.