The Bucket List

You know, the ancient Egyptians had a beautiful belief about death. When their souls got to the entrance to heaven... the gods asked them two questions. Their answers determined whether they were admitted or not:
1) Have you found joy in your life?
2) Has your life brought joy to others?

During the day, the sky is more black than blue. There's not enough air to reflect the sunlight. But at night, you've never seen so many stars. Seems like they're just out of reach, and so bright. They're like little holes in the floor of heaven.

I know that when he died, his eyes were closed... and his heart was open.

I mean, what would a snail have to do to move up in the lineup? Lay down a perfect trail of slime?

We live. We die. And the wheels on the bus go round and round.

...but the last months of his life... were the best months of mine. He saved my life. And he knew it before I did.

— Make a fool of myself?
— Never too late.

It's difficult to understand the sum of a person's life. Some people will tell you it's measured by the ones left behind. Some believe it can be measured in faith. Some say by love. Other folks say life has no meaning at all. Me? I believe that you measure yourself... by the people who measured themselves by you.

Is that the sum of your ambition? Edward, I've taken baths deeper than you.

— "Kopi Luwak is the world's most expensive coffee. Though for some, it falls under the category of 'too good to be true.' In the Sumatran village where the beans are grown... lives a breed of wild tree cat. These cats eat the beans, digest them and then... defecate. The villagers then collect and process the stools. It is the combination of the beans and the gastric juices of the tree cat... that give Kopi Luwak its unique flavor... and aroma. You're shitting me.
— Cats beat me to it.

Don't think about money. That's all I got is money.

— How much money do you have anyway?
— Didn't anyone ever tell you... that it's rude to talk about someone else's money?
— I never knew anyone with enough to ask.

There was a survey once. A thousand people were asked, if they could know in advance... would they want to know the exact day of their death. Ninety-six percent of them said no. I always kind of leaned toward the other 4 percent. I thought it would be liberating... knowing how much time you had left to work with. It turns out, it's not.

Three things to remember when you get older: Never pass up a bathroom... never waste a hard-on, and never trust a fart.

Boys and girls, you need me. I do not need you.

Edward Cole: — So you decided?
Carter Chambers: — No, I couldn't think of anything I wanted to be stuck with permanently.
Edward Cole: — What's permanently? We're gonna be dead in five minutes.
Tattoo Artist: — What?
Edward Cole: — Figure of speech. So no Confederate flag, no black Jesus.
Carter Chambers: — No, I'm gonna...
Edward Cole: — Pass. Yeah, sure.
Carter Chambers: — Well, I never agreed to desecrate my body.
Edward Cole: — You worried they won't bury you in a Jewish cemetery?