Max Bruner

– You're always in a shit mood and you're a really shitty teacher. You put zero effort into everything you do and there's no way you're proud of that! Look at you, look at... like, you do nothing! Look at your hair! You don't even do your hair 'cause you don't have any hair! You're bald! You know what? You know why you're not married? Because bald men are gross and disgusting, and especially the ones that make $45.000 a year! What?!
– I've been doing this 23 years... and you're the first person to ever underestimate my salary.

— What are you doing?
— I'm giving you half my cookie.
— Why?
— Make you feel better. Jesus.

– I have a one-year expiration date on freebies for the dead and dying.
– Are you serious?
– There will be other opportunities, your grandparents can't stick around forever.

– You are so gonna get fired when I actually do it.
– Well, not for sure, but I can dream.