Harry Block

— For the love of everything good and holy, get this goddamn thing out of me!
— You're gonna be okay. Cut him open. Let's get this thing.
— Cut me open? There goes your Christmas gift, Judas!
— It's moving down his leg.
— What do we do?
— Maybe amputate.
— Whoa, don't take the leg! Don't let 'em take my leg.
— Is there anything else you can do? He thinks he's an athlete.
— Doctor, look.
— It's heading for his testicles.
— Take it! Take the leg!
— Wait, wait! It's going the otherway.
— Give me some forceps. I might be able to catch it in his colon.
— How're you going in?
— Rectally.
— I'll get the lubricant.
— No time for lubricant.
— There's always time for lubricant!
— Flip him!
— Try to relax.
— Everything's gonna be okay.
— I'll shove this gurney up your ass! See if you relax, Ira.
<...>
— It's over, it's over.
— Don'tyou ever do that again!
— The size ofthat thing insideyou! It was like this! You took it like a man.

— Professor... the little wigglyworm things are breaking.
— Look.
— He's not breaking. It's splitting.
— It's mitosis. That's how they reproduce.
— No sex?
— No time for sex.
— Bummer!

Evolution

Ira Kane

— Can I get you anything?
— Ice cream. I'd like an ice cream, please.
— What favor?
— It doesn't matter. It's for my ass.

— Consider yourself lucky. The penalty for impersonating an officer is prison.
— Yeah, maybe for you, white boy. Me, they hang.

— Finally... Doctors Ira Kane and Allison Reed... whose tireless efforts and research and academic findings led to the...
— I think he's giving her a bit of the Kane Madness.

— What areyou doing?
— Selenium. That could be the answer. I'm looking at the Periodic Table on your T-shirt and I see this pattern. Take offyour shirt. I'll show you.
— Yes!
— No, I don't think so.
— We are a carbon based life-form. We move down here, and you've found our poison: arsenic. But the aliens are nitrogen based, right? You make the same move down and over... and where do you find yourself?
— Selenium.
— Selenium. Could be as lethal to them as arsenic is to us.
— And with their metabolic rates, it'll kill them fast.
— Selenium. How much do we need?
— Five hundred gallons could do it, should do it.
— Five hundred gallons? Um, I hate to be a buzzkill, but where are we gonna get that at 2:00 a.m.?
— No problem.
— Yeah, we can get that. Head & Shoulders.
— The dandruff shampoo?
— Yeah, that's the stuff. The active ingredient is selenium sulfide.
— How do you know that? You don't know anything.
— Haven't you noticed how shiny and fake-free our hair is?
— Okay, this is the best idea we got. Let's give it a shot. Come on. Let's do it!
— Yeah! We'll get the troops together. We're getting shampoo!
— I've got the vehicle.
— Good! Donalds, you just got your A's.

— Let's do this!
— Let's shampoo us some aliens!
— Lots of soldiers around.
— There's an abandoned mine halfa click south ofhere. We can sneak in there.
— Halfa click? What are you, in Vietnam?
— Hey, I'm digging this. Workwith me, baby.

— Is the Nobel Prize paid in installments, or in a lump sum like the lottery?
— Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Here. My office.
— I'm not getting ahead of myself. I'm concerned about the tax consequences.

— Ever used one ofthese before?
— Just 'cause I'm a school teacher, don't make me a pussy.
— Ladies, a fying extraterrestrial's in the store. Can we focus?
<...>
— Grab the girl. I'll get the bird.
— All right! Nice shot.
— So what do you want? Light meat or dark?
— You have to ask? It's dead now?