Dr. Watson

— I was a soldier. I killed people.
— You were a doctor!
— I had bad days!

— Just once, can you two behave like grown-ups?
— We solve crimes, I blog about it, and he forgets his pants. I wouldn't hold out too much hope.

— You had a row with a machine?
— Sort of. It sat there and I shouted abuse.

— Impossible to sustain a smoking habit in London these days. Bad news for brain.
— It's good news for breathing.
— Oh, breathing! Breathing's boring.

— I said don't get clever!
— I can't just turn it on and off like a tap.

— What sort of case?
— Too big and dangerous for any sane individual to get involved in.
— Yo trying to put me off?
— God, no. Trying to recruit you.

— Punch me in the face,
— Punch you?
— Yes, punch me in the face. Didn't you hear me?
— I always hear "punch me" when you speak but it's usually sub-text.

— But the stranger can't just walk into a school like that.
— Anyone can walk in anywhere if they pick the right moment.

— When did we agree that?
— We agreed it yesterday.
— I wasn't even at home yesterday. I was in Dublin!
— It's hardly my fault you weren't listening.

At Buckingham Palace. Right. I am seriously fighting an impulse to steal an ashtray.

— Is your friend quiet mad?
— Ho, he's an arsehole, but it's an easy mistake.

— That... was amazing.
— Do you think so?
— Of course it was. It was extraordinary, quite extraordinary.
— That's not what people normally say.
— What do people norrnally say?
— Piss off!

— It' primary school stuff. How can you not know that?
— Well, if I ever did, I've deleted it.
— Deleted it?
— Listen. [pointing to the head] This is my hard drive, and it only makes sense to put things in there that are useful. Really useful. Ordinary people fill their heads with all kinds of rubbish. That makes it hard to get at the stuff that matters.

— People'll think...
— I don't care what people think.
— You'd care if they thought you were stupid or wrong.
— No, that would just make them stupid or wrong.

— Mrs. Hudson, the landlady, she’s given me a special deal. Owes me a favor. A few years back her husband got himself sentenced to death in Florida. I was able to help out.
— Sorry, you stopped her husband being executed?
— Oh, no, I ensured it.