— You're already the best parents in the world, look at all the practice you've had.
— What practice?
— Well, you're hardly going to need me around now that you've got a real baby on the way.

— I really am going to have a word with your mother.
— You can if you like, she understands very little.

— Mr Holmes, Mr Holmes!
— Hello, Archie, what's your theory? Get the right and there's a headless nun in it for you.

— Marriage changes you as a person in ways that you can't imagine.
— As does lethal injection.

— How can you not remember which room? You remember everything.
— I have to delete something!

— I want you to calculate John's ideal intake, and mine, to remain in the sweet spot for the whole evening. Light-headed — good.
— Urinating in wardrobes — bad.

— John's cousin, top table?
— Hmm, hates you. Can't even bear to think about you.
— Seriously?
— Second class post, cheap card. Bought at a petrol station. Look at the stump, three attempts at licking, she's obviously unconsciously retaining saliva.
— Ah, let's stick her by the bogs.

People tell you not to milk a good speech. "Get off early, leave them laughing."