Scrubs [Season 1, Episode 1]

Three years of pre-med and four years of med school have made me realise one thing... I don't know Jack.

— The door is broke. Probably the fifth time or so it don't open.
— Maybe a penny's stuck in there.
— Why a penny?
— I don't know.
— Did you stick a penny in there?
— No, I was making small talk.
— If I find a penny in there, I'm taking you down.

Write this down. If you push around a stiff, nobody'll ask you to do anything.

— I know what you're thinking.
— Your butt looks like two Pringles hugging. No, you don't.

Finally, doctors, if there is a mistake, don't admit it to the patient. Of course, if the patient is deceased, and you're sure, you can feel free to tell him or her anything.

Notice how quickly people make an impression.
— I am a tool. I am a tool. I am a tool, tool, tool. An unbelievably annoying tool.

Pumpkin, that's modern medicine. Advances that keep people alive who should've died a long time ago. Back when they lost what made them people. Your job is to stay sane enough so when someone does come in that you can help, you're not so braindead you can't function.

Dr. Dorian, Do you not realize that you're nothing more than a large pair of scrubs to me? For God's sake, the only reason I carry this chart around is so I can pretend to remember your damn names.