What we did on our holiday

— How are you feeling today?
— Oh, I'm fine. It's one of my good days.
— You are such a crap actor.

— Can we bury you, Granddad?
— Oh, no, that sand gets everywhere. I definitely don't want to be buried, thank you.
— Not even when you die?

— Mum and Dad lie so much. I just don't trust them any more. They make me so angry.
— Well, I used to feel like that about my lot, too. Until I suddenly realised there was no point in being angry with people I loved for being what they are.

There was a lady with a girlfriend that lived with lots of pigs.

Do not let children drive. Oh, Mother, can I go out to swim? Yes, my darling daughter. Watch the boys don't see your bum. Keep it well under the water.