This Means War

Don't choose the better guy. Choose the guy that's gonna make you the better girl.

— Have you ever been or do you ever plan on being a serial killer?
— Mm, well, I mean, you got to keep your options open.

— I made a mistake.
— I don't believe in mistakes.
— Well, that's a very convenient philosophy for someone like yourself.
— It's the mistakes that make us who we are.

— That's why you start online dating. They have lots of charts.
— Not that again.
— What is your problem with online?
— What's my problem? Do you watch Dateline? How many creeps are out there? I could end up a skin suit or in somebody's trunk.

Pain? That's just weakness leaving the body.

— I don't know if that's creepy or romantic, man.
— It's cromantic.

I wish you would act like that with men. You can choose a laundry detergent, but you can't choose a guy you want.

Well, because you have to come up with, like, better excuses. You should've been, «I have a fiancé too. But he's getting a penile reduction... because his penis is so big every time it lands like a poltergeist».