Constantine

Things I've beaten. Things most people never even heard of. And now I'm gonna be done in by this.

Always a catch.

— When I was a kid, I could see things. Things humans aren't supposed to see. Things you shouldn't have to see. My parents were normal. They did what most parents would do. They made it worse. You think you're crazy long enough, you find a way out.
— You tried to kill yourself?
— I didn't try anything. Officially, I was dead for two minutes. But when you cross over time stops. Take it from me, two minutes in hell — is a lifetime. When I came back, I knew, all the things I could see were real. Heaven and hell are right here. Behind every wall, every window. The world behind the world, and we're smack in the middle. Angels and demons can't
cross over onto our plane. So instead we get what I call half-breeds. The influence peddlers. They can only whisper in our ears, but a single word can give you courage... or turn your favorite pleasure into your worst nightmare. Those with the demon's touch... like those part angel, living alongside us. They call it the balance. I call it hypocritical bullshit. So when a half-breed breaks the rules, I deport their sorry ass straight back to hell. I don't get them all, but I've been hoping to get enough to ensure my retirement.
— I don't understand.
— I'm a suicide, Angela. When I die, the rules say I've got just one place to go.
— You're trying to buy your way into heaven?
— What would you do if you were sentenced to a prison, where half the inmates were put there by you?

Demons stay in hell, huh? Tell them that.

He always had a rotten sense of humor. And his punch lines are killers.

— Why me, Gabriel? It's personal, isn't it? I didn't go to church enough, I didn't pray enough... I was 5 bucks short in the collection plate. Why?
— You are going to die young... because you smoked 30 cigarettes a day since you were 15. And you're going to go to hell... because of the life you took. This is fate...

— Detective. What if I told you that God and the devil made a wager... a kind of standing bet for the souls of all mankind?
— I'd tell you to stay on your meds.
— Humor me! No direct contact with humans. That would be the rule! Just influence. See who would win.
— Okay, I'm humoring you. Why?
— Who knows. Maybe just for the fun of it. No telling!
— Oh, so it's fun. It's fun when a man beats his wife to death, when a mother drowns her baby. And you think the devil is responsible? People are evil, Mr. Constantine. So that's it.
— You're right. We're born capable of terrible things. Then sometimes something else comes along and gives us just the right nudge.
— Well, this has been real educational... but I don't believe in the devil.
— You should. He believes in you!

I guess there's a plan for all of us. I had to die twice just to figure that out.

— You still trying to buy your way into heaven?
— What about the minions I've sent back? That alone should guarantee my entry!
— How many times have I told you? That's not the way this works.
— Why, haven't I served him enough? What does he want from me?
— Only the usual. Self-sacrifice, belief.
— Oh, I believe, for chrissake.
— No, no, you know! And there's a difference. You've seen.

If sweet, sweet God loves you so, then I'll make you worthy of his love. I've been watching you for a long time. It's only in the face of horror that you truly find your nobler selves. And you can be so noble. So... I'll bring you pain. I'll bring you horror. So that you may rise above it. So that those of you who survive this reign of hell on Earth will be worthy of God's love...

— Human? You don't deserve to be human.
— Do you want revenge? Is that what you're thinking right now? Do it. Do it. Seek revenge. End my life. Go on. Be the hand of God. It's your choice. It's always been your choice.
— Yeah. That's called pain. Get used to it.

— I told you to move it.
— You did tell me to move it, but if you'd said you were dropping a 300-pound mirror with a demon I would've moved it further.

You do this, there's no turning back. You see them... they see you. Understand?

This is Constantine. John Constantine, asshole.

— I guess God has a plan for all of us.
— God's a kid with an ant farm, lady. He's not planning anything.

— Hold the door. You going down?
— Not if I can help it.