Victor Mancini

The truth is, every son raised by a single mom is pretty much born married.

I'm not angry. I'm not sad. All I feel anymore is horny.

It's that old Chinese custom where if somebody saves your life, they're responsible for you forever. It's as if now you're their child.

How torture is torture and humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer.

And the Mommy says how the girl traced the outline of her lover's shadow so she would always have a record of how he looked, a document of this exact moment, the last moment they would be together.

The first time for everything. The incomplete inventory of my crimes. Just another incomplete in my life full of incompletes.

Women don't want equal rights. They have more power being oppressed. They need men to be the vast enemy conspiracy. Their whole identity is based on it.

A squirrel is someone who chews her food and then forgets what to do next. They forget how to swallow. Instead, she spits each chewed mouthful in her dress pocket. Or in her handbag. This is less cute than it sounds.

I tell them, heap it on me. Make me play the big passive bottom in your guilt gang bang. I'll take everybody's load.

I'm not so much a good friend as I'm the savior who wants you to worship him forever.

The same as any good pyramid scheme, you always have to be enrolling people at the bottom. The same as Social Security, it's a mass of good people all paying for somebody else. Nickel-and-diming these Good Samaritans is just my own personal social safety net.

I'm not so much a good friend as I'm the doctor who wants to adjust your spine every week.

Because sponges never have a bad day.

You're the proof of their courage. The proof they were a hero. Evidence of their success. I do this because everybody wants to save a human life with a hundred people watching.

I'm not so much a good friend as I'm the parent who never wants you to really grow up.