Rodney Dangerfield

One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.