The Janitor (Glenn Matthews)

— The door is broke. Probably the fifth time or so it don't open.
— Maybe a penny's stuck in there.
— Why a penny?
— I don't know.
— Did you stick a penny in there?
— No, I was making small talk.
— If I find a penny in there, I'm taking you down.

— Hey, what are you doing Frankeinstein?
— Photo journal for my photography class.
— Terrific. Could I see your camera? Hmm. Very interesting. Oh, there's film in it.
— Hey! All my pictures were in there! Dead patient with fancy shirt, dead patient without fancy shirt, me in fancy shirt being yelled at by angry family.

— How's it goin'?
— I'm a 37-year-old janitor. How d'you think it's going?
— There is nothing wrong with being a janitor.
— Really? Thank you, you've turned my life around. I'll tell my janitor wife and all our janitor kids that life is worth living. And that comes straight from our hero, Dr Whozits, Dr Nothing. No, seriously, come on. Come over to my humble house and point out things that are cheap.

— From now on, your name is Scooter.
— I don't get it.
— Short for scooter pie. I hate scooter pies.

It's a riddle. Two guys destroyed your bike with a crowbar and a bat. One of 'em wasn't me.

— Point to Iraq.
— Why do you keep a globe on your janitor cart?
— In case I get lost. I'll give you a hint. It's not the country shaped like a boot.
— That's Iraq.
— That's China.
— You're China.
— That's an outrageous accusation...

— Listen, crash in my garage. I guarantee you there will not be another person in there.
— You're gonna slather jam on my face and sic a family of raccoons on me, aren't you?
— Damn it. I've become predictable.

— Janitor? Have you ever looked at yourself and wished that you were different in every single way?
— No... I'm a winner.

— Lose something?
— No, why? Did you take something?
— No.
— What'd you take?
— Nothing.
— What'd you take?

— You know what else I hate about Kelso? His hair smells like a pet store.
— Actually, that's my fault. I filled his hairspray can with dog sweat.
— Dogs don't sweat.
— No? What the hell am I putting in there?

— I don't use toilet paper. I have one of those French things that shoots water up your butt.
— Bidet?
— Bidet to you, sir.

Let me answer that question with another question. 'Cause I wanted to.

— All right. Are you familiar with the term "delusions of grandeur"?
— I believe I coined that term. look, I'm a simple, unassuming janitor who can control people's actions with his mind.

— I once snuck a mongoose in this thing to kill all the snakes.
— Why were there snakes in here?
— I snuck them in to kill all the mice.

I know I look little older, but that's 'cause I drink and smoke, work with chemicals, sleep on my face.

— Anyway, Todd and Ted are gonna get 20 bucks from me to tape you to the ceiling of the cafeteria tomorrow, and I'm telling you this because I figure you've already zoned out and have stopped listening to me. Am I right?
— I don't know what the Janitor had said, but I feel like things are looking up. He's leaving, plus I have friends who are more than happy to be there for me.